How Sandy and I Have Made Decisions for Years
We’re in a sermon series at church right now on marriage and parenting, and it made me stop and reflect on something Sandy and I have practiced for years without ever labeling it.
How do we actually make decisions?
Not the big theological debates. Not the dramatic moments. I’m talking about everyday decisions. The ones that shape the rhythm of a marriage. The small choices that either build unity or slowly chip away at it.
As I thought about it, I realized we’ve operated for years on something simple:
The most passionate person wins.
Here’s what I mean.
If Sandy really cares about something and I honestly don’t have strong feelings about it, we go her way.
If I really care about something and she’s neutral, we go my way.
If we both care deeply, that’s when we slow down, talk it through, and find a compromise.
What surprised me when I really thought about it is this: most decisions fall into the first two categories. Only a small percentage require true compromise.
And I believe that’s one reason this works.
Neutral Is Not the Same as Not Caring
Let me clarify something important.
When I say I’m neutral, I don’t mean I don’t care about her. I don’t mean I’m disengaged or indifferent to the relationship.
I mean I genuinely don’t have an emotional attachment to the outcome.
There is a big difference between:
“I don’t care about you.”
And
“I don’t have a preference on this.”
That distinction has protected us from a lot of unnecessary tension.
For example, I have never cared whether the toilet paper roll goes over or under.
Sandy prefers it over.
So in our house, it goes over.
It has been that way for years. And now it’s so ingrained in me that if I walk into a men’s restroom and see it under, I sometimes flip it over without even thinking. I laugh every time I catch myself doing it.
That decision cost me nothing.
But it meant something to her.
So why would I fight that?
Dropping Ego in the Neutral Spaces
This is where maturity comes in.
Many arguments in marriage are not actually about passion. They are about ego.
Sometimes we convince ourselves we “care” about something when in reality we just do not want to lose. We do not want to feel like we are giving in. We do not want to feel like the other person always gets their way.
If I am honest, ego can make a neutral issue feel important.
Over the years, I have learned to ask myself a simple question:
Do I really care about this? Or do I just want control?
If I am truly neutral, why would I resist?
Why not bless her with it?
Those small decisions build trust. They communicate, “Your preferences matter here.” And when something genuinely matters to me, she does the same.
That is not weakness.
That is maturity.
Why This Rhythm Works
I believe this approach works for several reasons.
First, it reduces unnecessary friction. When you stop fighting over things you do not truly care about, your emotional energy stays intact for the things that really matter.
Second, it builds emotional safety. When one of you feels strongly and the other steps aside without resentment, it creates security. It says, “You are heard. You matter.”
Third, it limits constant negotiation. Compromise is important. But if every decision feels like a negotiation, marriage becomes exhausting. This approach honors weight. It asks a simple question: Who carries this more deeply?
That question has saved us a lot of tension over the years.
When You Both Care
When we both feel strongly, that is where growth happens.
We slow down.
We listen.
We talk it through.
We look for middle ground.
But because we have spent years honoring each other in the neutral spaces, those harder conversations do not feel like battles. They feel like teamwork.
It is not about who wins.
It is about protecting the relationship while making the decision.
It Is Not a Formula. It Is Our Rhythm.
I am not sharing this to say this is the only way to do marriage.
It is simply how we have operated for years.
We did not read it in a book. We did not create a formal system. It became our rhythm.
Sitting in this marriage series reminded me how grateful I am for that rhythm.
Marriage is not built only on love.
It is built on daily decisions.
Sometimes the healthiest decision is not compromise.
Sometimes it is simply asking:
Do I really care about this?
If the answer is no, drop the ego.
If the answer is yes, speak up.
If you both care, lean in together.
That is how we have done it.
And by God’s grace, it has worked for us.
Latest posts by Chris & Sandy Benton (see all)
- The Most Passionate Person Wins: How Sandy and I Have Made Decisions for Years - March 1, 2026
- Bonnie Keen’s Story: From Trauma to Courageous Faith - February 9, 2026
- When Life Feels Backwards but Purpose Still Moves Forward - February 6, 2026
